The holidays are a time for family coming together, exchanging gifts among friends, and jostling for space in front of intricately designed department store windows. Movies also play a key role in the season. The week between Christmas and New Year’s is the most lucrative box office period of the year. It’s a week so magical that something like Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked can trick $337 million out of people who at any other time of the year would probably know better.
Movies are also an important way to kill time. Family discord? Put a movie on. Need to keep the kids busy while you wait in line for a ham? Take them to the multiplex. Need a break from the endless parade of holiday specials on television? Buy a ticket to watch Sylvester Stallone and Robert De Niro beat each other up a full three decades past the time when that would’ve been exciting.
Yes, that is Lee Majors as Santa Claus.
We all have our favorite holiday movies. There are the usual suspects playing ad nauseam throughout the season: Miracle on 34th Street, It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, White Christmas, Christmas Vacation, etc. Those are all classics, but for me, one film trumps them all. It’s called A Smoky Mountain Christmas, it’s from 1986, and it stars Dolly Parton, Lee Majors, and a bundle of adorable orphans. The movie’s annual viewing is an essential part of my holiday routine. It beats the elaborate windows at Saks any day of the week.
A Smoky Mountain Christmas features Dolly Parton in the challenging “role” of a country music superstar from Tennessee’s Smoky Mountains. Tired of the glam life in Hollywood, she heads home to spend a week at a friend’s remote cabin, only to find a septet of orphans claiming squatters’ rights. For reasons that are outlandish even for a TV movie, Dolly attracts the ire of an evil mountain witch who tries to kill her by transforming into an innocent looking old lady and trying to feed her a poisoned pie.
Take my man and I’ll feed you poisoned pie!
As if the Snow White angle wasn’t enough, Lee Majors plays a mysterious mountain hermit who eats children. But is he really as monstrous as his reputation? Could he actually be a lawyer from the big city who also got tired of cosmopolitan life? Could his rugged good looks and equally rugged lifestyle be the perfect antidote to Dolly’s southern California malaise? Will they adopt all the orphans or separate the siblings forever
If you don’t know the answers to these questions, I know of an exciting contest where you give me all your credit cards numbers, and if one of them is lucky, you win a prize. Leave a message in the comments for more information.
Dolly with the dwarves/orphans.
There are so many things to love in A Smoky Mountain Christmas: The opening music video sequence with the super gay back-up dancers. The porchfront sing-alongs with Dolly and her guitar. The John Ritter cameo that happens for no particular reason. The dramatic escape from the orphanage. The shock of seeing Dolly Parton locked up behind bars.
Of course, if anyone remembers the 1999 Simpsons Super Bowl episode, they’ll remember that Dolly Parton always carries around extra-strength make-up remover that can eat through steel. Sadly, this robust product was still in development in 1986. Luckily, a stone jailhouse wall is no match for Lee Majors.
A Smoky Mountain Christmas is not available on DVD or any streaming service. It used to be you had to search through the onscreen TV guide to find the one time of the year it would play on the Hallmark Channel at three in the morning. Truly devoted fans, such as my family, bought bootleg copies on eBay. Thankfully, some kind soul posted the entire thing on YouTube last year, so now everyone can experience the toe-tapping joy without all the fuss.
Portrait of a woman turned yellow.
The holidays are about traditions and good company. If those traditions center around a well-endowed blonde Snow White then so be it. Santa has enough people to worry about.
Click here to watch A Smoky Mountain Christmas in its entirety. It’s the best 94 minutes you’ll spend this Christmas season.
And don’t forget to post your favorite holiday movie in the comments below. Even if it’s Jingle All the Way. Don’t be ashamed. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad are one of cinema’s classic comic pairs. They’re the Bob Hope and Bing Crosby of the 90s.
God bless us, everytwo. I mean one! One!