Linda Bloodworth Thomason’s achingly poignant documentary Bridegroom tells the story of Shane Bitney Crone and Tom Bridegroom, two young men in a loving and committed relationship that was cut tragically short by a tragic misstep off the side of a roof. The story of what happened after Tom’s accidental death — of how people without the legal protections of marriage can find themselves completely shut out and ostracized — is as moving as it is enraging, and it opens a window onto the issue of marriage equality and human rights for all like no speech or lecture ever will.
On the anniversary of Tom’s death, after a year of documenting his own grief, Shane decided to make a YouTube video about his partner called “It Could Happen to You.” The video went viral and received millions of views. Although making the video was a cathartic process for him and a tribute to the love of his life, Shane mostly wanted it to serve as a warning to other LGBT couples, and show the world what can happen when two people are legally barred from having equal rights and equal protections under the law.
Director Linda Bloodworth Thomason (Designing Women) then contacted Shane about making a full-length documentary about his story. Bridegroom piercingly conveys the importance of human and civil rights, and makes a plea to open hearts and minds that Tom and Shane’s love is no different than any others. I recently talked to Shane Bitney Crone about this heart-wrenching documentary.
Danny Miller: I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m in awe that you’ve had the courage to continue attending screenings and to talk about your story for the past year. Are there ever times when you just think, “I can’t keep doing this, it’s too painful!”
Shane Bitney Crone: It’s definitely not the easiest thing to do all the time but I have to say, going to the different screenings and seeing how the film resonates with audiences, that makes me feel so good. It’s more of an inspiring experience than a depressing one — so as long as I see that my story is helping people, I want to continue talking about it.
DM: You had such an amazing response to your YouTube video. Still, did you have any reservations about making a full-length documentary?
SBC: I was very nervous, even with the YouTube video, worrying how people would react. When Linda approached me about this, I had to think for a long time about whether it was the right thing to do. But then, knowing what a positive reaction I got from the video, I knew we needed to make the documentary.
DM: I think it’s such an important perspective to have out there in the fight for marriage equality. Had you and Tom considered getting married in that brief period in 2008 before Proposition 8 passed in California?
SBC: We did. I hope this doesn’t sound awful, but we just didn’t want to run down to go do it just because everyone else was doing it. We assumed that if it was legal then, it would be legal forever. And, to be honest, at that time we weren’t thinking at all about the legal protections marriage provides, we were just thinking of what it meant symbolically to make that commitment. The sad truth is that we didn’t feel any sense of urgency at the time. Looking back, I certainly wish that we had gotten married, or at least become domestic partners, because that would have protected us in so many ways. But again, being young and very healthy, it just wasn’t something we were thinking about.
DM: What happens to you in the hospital and then afterwards is just so horrific. I was wondering even if you had gotten married if Tom’s mother still couldn’t have swooped in and taken his body away without your permission since she was coming from the state of Indiana which didn’t have any laws protecting you from such things. I wonder if that scenario could still happen today.
SBC: I think it can, but the fact that same-sex marriage is now legal makes it a lot harder for families like Tom’s to come in and take over. But it’s still a sticky situation, you bring up a great point about people coming in from different states. I’m not sure what power they’d have coming from Indiana, but from what I’ve been told, if we had been married, his parents would not have been able to take his body. Nor would they have been allowed to decide whether he would be cremated. I wish we had thought to at least have legal documents about what Tom wanted to happen to his body after he died, but when you’re young, you tend not to think about such things.
DM: It’s true. I think one of the messages of the film is that we all, gay and straight, need to have those kinds of difficult conversations with our partners even if we don’t feel a pressing need to do so.
SBC: Exactly.
DM: I really admire the way you talk about Tom’s family in such a restrained way even though it’s very hard for those of us watching the film not to see them as the ultimate villains. Does the rage many people express about them online and elsewhere make you uncomfortable?
SBC: It does. I find it very upsetting to see people posting ugly comments about Tom’s parents or even posting their home address. I certainly understand the anger that people feel toward the family, but I hope people walk away from the film seeing the bigger picture and not just focusing on Tom’s parents. Coming at his family with hate is not going to change anything.
DM: I assume you’ve still had no reaction from his family members about the film?
SBC: There are actually a handful of Tom’s relatives who have seen the film and who are very supportive but I haven’t heard from his parents and they haven’t responded to us or any of the media outlets. I think they’re probably going to remain silent. Some of Tom’s family members were willing to be interviewed for the film but in the end they felt that they just couldn’t do it. I get it — you’re in a small town, this is your family who you don’t want to lose — I’m respectful of that.
DM: It was great to see that Illinois recently legalized same-sex marriage but I take it neighboring Indiana is not one of the states that is moving toward marriage equality?
SBC: From what I’ve been told, Indiana is still very far away. They even passed some kind of law where you can be fined for just applying for a same-sex marriage certificate. That’s unfortunate, but I’m encouraged about states like Illinois. I know they had a heated fight over there.
DM: Are you generally optimistic about the rest of the country? It really seems like the train has left the station on this issue and it’s just a matter of time.
SBC: I agree. When I talk to older people who have gone through movements like the civil rights struggle, they tell me that they’ve never seen anything progress this fast. I feel like we do have great momentum now. It will probably still take quite a few years to accomplish, but at least the majority of Americans now support marriage equality. I think one of the most important things to do now is share our personal stories — that’s why I wanted to make this film. I’m not alone. What happened to me has happened to so many people and I always encourage them to tell their stories. That’s what’s going to change hearts and minds in this country.
DM: Have you had any surprising reactions to the film from people you didn’t think would be supportive?
SBC: All the time. A guy came up to me at a screening the other day and said, “My girlfriend forced me to come to this but now I see that a gay couple can love each other just as much as any straight couple.” Watching the film really changed his mind on this issue. I’m so grateful for reactions like that — that’s what keeps me going.
DM: Has this experience and the process of making the film turned you into a full-time activist?
SBC: Yeah, it has turned into a full-time thing. I loved what Tom and I were doing before he died but getting this film out there has brought so much meaning to my life. I feel like this is what I need to focus on right now. I’m not sure what happens next.
DM: I imagine you must have had some bittersweet feelings when Prop 8 was finally overturned last year.
SBC: I was thrilled, of course, but yes, it was bittersweet. I was there at the Supreme Court that day and it was so exciting and great to know that people here in California can now get married and not have to go through what I went through. I’m so happy for everyone.
Click here to find out more about Bridegroom including upcoming screenings and how you can get involved. The film is available on Netflix, iTunes and Amazon.