4:35: Okay, kids, here we go, less than half an hour until Oscar time and the pre-shows are already making me want to jump out a window. Please, dear God, let the show be better than this fashion commentary. Who ARE these people?
4:41: It looks like total bedlam on that red carpet. The only carpet I would ever cover (in that same location) is the opening night of the TCM Classic Film Festival. If there’s no chance of talking to Debbie Reynolds or Maureen O’Hara, count me out.
4:44: Ugh, stop with the kissing, pre-show hosts. NO celebrity wants to kiss you and you’re spreading germs faster than Disneyland.
4:46: Whoa — Eddie Redmayne, Felicity Jones, and Benedict Cumberbatch all look about 15 years old.
4:49: Is it too soon to start panicking about the In Memoriam segment? Who will they leave out this year?
4:58: WHAT? The show doesn’t start until 5:30? I get tricked up each year into thinking it starts at 5:00 and then am forced to watch more of this ghastly pre-show.
5:02: Were there people ripping apart the actresses in the 1930s and 40s to this extent?
5:05: Help, the people I’m watching with are insisting on the E! Fashion show. Not that the ABC pre-show is much better.
5:07: Okay, I convinced them to put the “real” show back on. What was I thinking?
5:11: Is it over yet? I want to go back to the 1965 Oscars.
5:14: Wait, why is Lady Gaga wearing red oven mitts? Oy, here they go, trying to promote ABC shows. Stop it!
5:23: Weird to do pre-show interviews right there in the theater.
5:25: Do you think these uncomfortable interviews are worked out in advance? Leave Patricia Arquette alone!
5:28: The din in this room (at friends in Century City) is deafening. Are people being quiet at your Oscar party?
5:30: Okay, here we go. Wow, that stage looks like one of the stage shows at Disneyland.
5:31: They brought up the lack of diversity in the first 30 second. Probably a good idea.
5:32: The people who wrote “Let It Go” wrote Neil’s opening song which is very obvious. (But I liked “Frozen” a lot!)
5:33: Inserting NPH in those film clips is pretty damn cool. I would’ve done more of that.
5:34: I’m a big Anna Kendrick fan. You go, girl. And love Jack Black.
5:36: There’s just too much going on on that set. And the costumed people in the background were unnecessary but that was a pretty good opening number.
5:38: I though Neil Patrick Harris was good (and creepy as hell) in Gone Girl. Oy, American Sniper/Oprah joke — not good.
5:39: I shouldn’t have watched Bob Hope’s opening from 1965 earlier today. I miss Bob.
5:40: Here we go. Best Supporting Actor. It’s got to be J.K. Simmons. I’ve admired him ever since he played that Aryan sociopath on Oz.
5:41: Edward Norton would be my second choice. Thought he was great in Birdman.
5:42: Best Supporting Actor to J.K. Simmons for Whiplash.
5:44: Great actor, sweet speech. Odd but sweet. I guess he mentioned all the people from the film when he won all his other awards?
5:46: A little long on the Neil Patrick Harris predictions.
5:48: Liam Neeson looks like he’s standing in the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland.
5:49: Boy, what’s the deal on pairing The Grand Budapest Hotel with American Sniper? That is just odd.
5:50: Oy, poor Dakota Johnson. Despite her film’s huge success, she may be destroying her career. And she can’t really speak.
5:51: Maroon 5. Zzzzzzzz. Remember the year that Beyoncé sang three of the five song nominees in a medley? Can we go back to that?
5:52: I have to admit my five-year-old son is loving this song and doing an amazing interpretive dance to it.
5:54: First commercial break. Charlie’s interpretive dance is continuing through the Cadillac/Edith Piaf commercial. Maybe it wasn’t Adam Levine that impressed him after all.
5:57: I like Jennifer Lopez in general but she should not be allowed in the Dolby Theater during the same year that The Boy Next Door was released. The worst movie I’ve seen in quite some time.
5:58: Best Costume Oscar to Milena Canonero for The Grand Budapest Hotel.
5:59: Nice speech, Milena. Short and sweet. And I absolutely loved that film!
6:00: Groooaaan on Neil’s Reese Witherspoon joke.
6:02: Best Makeup and Hairstyling Oscar to Frances Hannon and Mark Coulier for The Grand Budapest Hotel.
6:03: It’s a Wes Anderson sweep! My son loved the Channing Tatum onesie joke — he laughed hysterically. “Onesie?!”
6:04: Wow, that has to be exciting for those student Oscar winners. Let’s see how their careers go starting out with that boost. Next commercial break. They really seem to be going at a good clip, no? Not exactly the most exciting show, but nothing terribly embarrassing yet.
6:06: My mother-in-law is leading a discussion on whether the people here think Channing Tatum is handsome and sexy. She thinks his eyes are too close together. Everyone else is yelling at her.
6:07: Ooh, a Mad Men commercial. I CAN’T WAIT!
6:08: Chiwetel/Nicole joke falls totally flat.
6:10: Best Foreign Language Film Oscar goes to Pawel Pawlikowski for Poland’s Ida.
6:11: Wow! I’m shocked and thrilled. I loved this film and that director, Paweł Pawlikowski, who I got to interview last year. Woo-hoo, what a surprise! Ugh, stop trying to play him off. LET HIM TALK!
6:13: Shirley MacLaine introducing Boyhood. Love her. Love the film. But WHY throw it in with The Theory of Everything and Birdman? Don’t like this. Obviously a time-saver.
6:16: What? But there’s time to interview the seat fillers? Really? Oh, leading up to awkward Steve Carell joke.
6:17: Oh, Marion Cotillard. Qu’elle est belle! Glad The Lego Movie got a Best Song nomination at least.
6:18: Holy crap, this evokes the old Debbie Allen production numbers of yesteryear! Love their powder blue Bar Mitzvah suits. Cole Porter this ain’t.
6:23: My party is also divided on how Neil Patrick Harris is doing. But they’re mostly complaining about the material, not him.
6:25: Oy, these jokes are a little lame. Where’s Bruce Vilanch? Welcome, Kerry Washington and Jason Batemen.
6:26: Damn it, I should’ve made it a point to see these short films. They look really good.
6:27: Best Short Film Oscar to The Phone Call by Matt Kirby and James Lucas.
6:28: Shout out to donuts! Oh, Sally Hawkins did it for nothing. Love her. Oy, they’re cutting them off again. Stop it!
6:29: Best Documentary Short Feature to Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1 by Ellen Goosenberg Kent and Dana Perry.
6:30: Viola Davis talking about the special Oscar recipients. Ugh, I CAN’T STAND that these awards are no longer televised. I mean, Maureen O’Hara and Harry Belafonte, people! Oh, and Philip Kaufman and Hayao Miyazaki.
6:34: Oy, cold comfort for David Oyelowo’s lack of a nomination. Ouch, this British accent bit is AWFUL.
6:35: Gwyneth Paltrow introducing Tim McGraw to sing Glen Campbell. Poignant song but I’m positive that “Glory” from Selma is going to win.
6:42: Neil Patrick Harris in his underwear. Birdman/Whiplash mash-up. Pretty funny. And at 41, he’s got a damn good underwear bod! Would Bob Hope have done that?
6:44: Miles Teller and Margot Robbie talking about more Oscars that weren’t important enough to be televised.
6:45: Sienna Miller and Chris Evans. Didn’t we see them already or was that in the awful pre-show? I’m surprised Sound Mixing and Sound Editing get televised.
6:46: Best Sound Mixing Oscar to Craig Mann, Ben Wilkins, and Thomas Curley for Whiplash.
6:47: Weirdly awkward speech, God love them.
6:48: Best Sound Editing Oscar to Alan Robert Murray and Bub Asman for American Sniper.
6:50. First win for American Sniper. Only one of the Best Picture nominees I haven’t seen yet.
6:51: Here we go, Jared Leto for Best Supporting Actress. Let’s go, Patricia! (Meryl Streep joke was funny.)
6:52: Best Supporting Actress Oscar to Patricia Arquette for Boyhood.
6:54: Yay! I already had that written and ready to go a minute before Leto announced it. Wow, what a speech! Good for you. Love Meryl’s shout-out!
7:00: No one here got the Peta/Josh Hutcherson joke but me. Who’s Rita Ora?
7:02: Okay, there’s a song that’s not going to win. Now Ansel Elgort and Chloe Grace Moretz. Gotta get the kids involved.
7:04: Best Visual Effects Oscar to Paul Franklin, Andrew Lockley, Ian Hunter, and Scott Fisher for Interstellar.
7:05: I liked this movie more than most. And I thought its special effects were killer.
7:06: Kevin Hart and Anna Kendrick. Damn, he’s short. Kevin Hart made me laugh…which I haven’t done for an hour.
7:07: Best Animated Short Oscar to Patrick Osborne and Kristina Reed for Feast.
7:08: Love those two winners of the animated short. (Later: Oh…hello? I interviewed this guy two weeks ago and completely forgot it was him. And he talked about how excited he was about the Oscars. I loved that short!)
7:09: Zoe Saldana and Dwayne Johnson. Are we not calling him “The Rock” anymore?
7:10: Best Animated Feature Oscar to Big Hero 6.
7:11: Yay, I’m thrilled with this upset, I loved this film and I just interviewed these guys. Now I will definitely post it this week!
7:17: President of the Academy, Cheryl Boone Isaacs, one of the few African Americans in the Academy. Better speaker than Arthur Freed (who was the President at the 1965 Oscars that I watched this morning).
7:20: I do sort of like the Octavia Spencer bit.
7:21: Chris Pratt and gorgeous Felicity Jones. Production design..should be Grand Budapest.
7:22: Production Design Oscar to Adam Stockhausen and Anna Pinnock for The Grand Budapest Hotel.
7:23: Yes!! Much deserved. The winner looks just like Robert Morse. Nice speech.
7:24: Idris Elba and Jessica Chastain. The perfect movie stars.
7:25: Best Cinematography Oscar to Emmanuel Lubezki for Birdman.
7:26: Was this expected? I thought it might finally go to Roger Deakins.
7:30: Meryl Streep. Always perfect. Damn, she looks good. Uh-oh, the memoriam segment. I’m scared.
7:32: Oh God, this beautiful music from Sophie’s Choice. Perfect, perfect, perfect.
7:35: Wow, that was very well done…for once. Don’t know if they left anyone out so I’m not outraged yet. (Later: They left out Joan Rivers? Why? She directed a movie and was in several. Ugh.)
7:36: And much better to do a song AFTER…and Jennifer Hudson is an excellent choice.
7:43: Naomi Watts and Benedict Cumberbatch. Not a fan of her dress, I have to say.
7:44: Best Editing Oscar to Tom Cross for Whiplash.
7:45: Well deserved but I thought it would go to Boyhood.
7:46: Terence Howard. Whiplash and The Imitation Game and Selma. Howard’s intro quite enthusiastic.
7:47: The un-nominated Jennifer Aniston and David Oyelowo. Wow, red tux, that’s brave.
7:50: Best Documentary Feature Oscar to Citizenfour.
7:51: As expected. Great speech even though I was rooting for Finding Vivian Maier produced by our pal Jeff Garlin.
7:53: Ew on Neil Patrick Harris’s Edward Snowden joke. Our signal dropped out for a few second after that. Was it the NSA?
7:54: Oy, now my group here is fighting about Edward Snowden, whether he’s a hero or a traitor.
7:55: Octavia Spencer. What is that music they played for her? Introducing “Glory.” Interviewed Common and thought he was great.
8:02: Wow, David Oyelowo in tears. First standing ovation of the evening. That was great.
8:04: Idina Menzel. Um, love her, but what’s she doing there? Oh, make-up with John Travolta. Nice. And new toupee on John Travolta. Oy. But that was a funny pairing.
8:06: Best Song Oscar to John Legend and Common for “Glory” in Selma.
8:07: Wait, who are John Stephens and Lonnie Lynn? Their real names? Great speech.
8:13: Scarlett Johansson. My crowd hates her dress and hair. I like it. She can’t not look good. But why is she talking about The Sound of Music?
8:15: I am the biggest Sound of Music fan on the planet but I’m a little confused by this.
8:16: WTF?? Lady Gaga doing a Sound of Music medley? Say what? Did someone slip some LSD into my Pellegrino? (She does have a beautiful voice.)
8:18: Was Julie Andrews invited? She better be there.
8:20: Oh, thank God, there’s Julie! Yay!!
8:21: Winner of Best Actress Oscar 50 years ago for Mary Poppins. Love her so much.
8:24: Best Original Score Oscar to Alexandre Desplat for The Grand Budapest Hotel.
8:25: Lovely speech and well deserved, I loved the music in that film.
8:30: Eddie Murphy. Still think he should have won for Dreamgirls, damn it.
8:31: Best Original Screenplay Oscar to Alejandro G. Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris, Jr. & Armando Bo for Birdman.
8:32: I’m a little surprised but it was a great script.
8:34: Oprah. Playing “Nobody Does It Better?” I don’t get it. She looks fab.
8:36: Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar to Graham Moore for The Imitation Game.
8:37: I had a feeling this would win. Damn, he looks young. Really liked this film. Loved the speech. Brought tears to my eyes. Nice Jewish boy from Chicago.
8:41: Ben Affleck. For Best Director? Did he win for Argo?
8:42: Best Director Oscar to Alejandro G. Iñárritu for Birdman.
8:43: Wow. I admit it, I was hoping for Richard Linklater. Great acceptance speech, though. Does this mean that Birdman is a lock for Best Picture. I want Boyhood!
8:48: Cate Blanchett. Here we go. Redmayne or Keaton?
8:49: Best Actor Oscar to Eddie Redmayne for The Theory of Everything.
8:51: Woo-hoo!! I had written his name in and was worried I’d have to erase it.
8:52: Except now I feel bad for Michael Keaton. Which is why I hate stupid awards shows. Nice speech by Eddie.
8:53: Matthew McConnaughey. Oy, is the beard for a role? Gotta be Julianne, no?
8:56: Best Actress Oscar to Julianne Moore for Still Alice.
8:57: Yay, Julianne! Always wonderful, always talented. I need to see this damn film.
8:59: Lovely, eloquent speech. Well, no surprises tonight, kids. But let’s see what wins Best Picture.
9:01: NPH’s Oscar predictions. My five-year-old could have predicted these awards.
9:02: Okay, that’s kind of funny but no one wants this bit right now.
9:03: Sean Penn for Best Picture? Um…why?
9:04: Best Picture Oscar to Birdman.
9:05: Happy for them but I’m disappointed.
9:06: 36 minutes over. Not an awful Oscars, by any stretch, not the best. Why do we even give these stupid awards? Glad Patricia Arquette won at least.
9:08: Thanks, all! See you next year. Long live the movies!