Easter is this Sunday. For some people, the holiday involves a trip to church and a day spent with family. For others, it involves a trip to the drug store on Monday to buy deeply discounted candy. We’re talking 50—maybe even 75—percent off.
But which Easter candy is the best? Cinephiled interviewed ten bunnies from film and TV about their favorite sweets. We also asked about their personal histories in the Easter Bunny Delivery Service, what can be done to regulate the egg dye industry, and tips for cleaning up plastic grass when it gets all over the floor. Their answers may surprise you.
Happy Easter everyone!
Harvey from Harvey (1950)
Claim to Fame:
Following Jimmy Stewart around. Being invisible.
Favorite Easter Candy:
“I spend a lot of time drinking alcohol with my friend Elwood P. Dowd. We both prefer a sweet digestif to more traditional desserts. Lately we’ve been drinking a lot of elderflower liqueur.”
Did you ever work for the Easter Bunny Delivery Service?
“Every bunny is required to spend two years in the Delivery Service. I was stationed in Bunnylunka, a remote island in the Pacific. We delivered sugar cane to the natives, who would thank us by performing their traditional tribal dances. There was one girl: Big Bottom Bertha, we called her. Once she got going…ooo boy!”
Frank from Donnie Darko (2001)
Claim to Fame:
Picking exact dates for the apocalypse. Scaring teenagers at the movies.
Favorite Easter Candy:
“I bought a giant bag of candy corn the same day I discovered the world was ending. It was my first instinct. Candy corn is awful for you. It’s just pure sugar. I wouldn’t eat it under normal circumstances, but I figured if we’ve only got 28 days left, what the hell! Totally worth it.”
Why didn’t the world end in 2012 like the Mayans said it would?
“The whole Mayan 2012 doomsday thing made us all look bad when it didn’t go through. Really cheapened the profession as a whole. Now whenever I go up to anyone with a date for the end of days they roll their eyes and say ‘Go back to Maya.’ Maya isn’t even a country. Don’t people know that?”
The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog from Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
Claim to Fame:
Being adorable but deadly. Dying at the hand of a holy hand grenade.
Favorite Easter Candy:
“Blood. I let it coagulate and then sprinkle some sugar on top. Tastes just like fudge.”
Pop culture pundits are saying that vampires are “over.” How does that make you feel?
“Relieved. I can’t tell you the number of teenage girls who have approached my cave in the last ten years hoping that I’m the cherished pet of a brooding teenage male vampire who will bite them into everlasting love. Usually they’re nice about it and go away, but sometimes they get insistent and want to look inside the cave and I have to kill them. Maybe now they’ll bother the zombie rabbits living across the meadow.”
Mr. Floppy from Unhappily Ever After (1995-1999 on The WB)
Claim to Fame:
Living in the basement of a human home. Giving bad advice.
Favorite Easter Candy:
“A carton of cigarettes and a case of grappa. Candy is for children.”
Unhappily Ever After has been off the air for 15 years. What have you been up to since then?
“I rode the WB sitcom convention circuit for a while. Jamie Foxx and I used to hang all the time. But the crowds got smaller every year. We went from the grand ballroom at the Beverly Hills Four Seasons to a normal ballroom at the Embassy Suites in Pasadena to the vending machine room at the Motel 6 in Chino. When the bottom fell out, I moved to Florida and got a job delivering milk bottles to old people who don’t like going to the grocery store.”
Bugs Bunny from Looney Tunes
Claim to Fame:
Consistently popular for over 70 years. Played basketball with Michael Jordan.
Favorite Easter Candy:
“Chocolate covered carrots. Yes that is a thing. Just look at the shelf above the frozen food at Trader Joe’s. They sell chocolate covered versions of literally anything you can imagine. They have chocolate covered coq au vin.”
You’re quite beautiful as a woman. Have you considered applying to RuPaul’s Drag Race?
“I met Jinkx Monsoon at a party last year and we talked about it. I would love to do Elmer Fudd in The Snatch Game. But I’ve been in this business for three quarters of a century. It would be unfair to force the other girls to compete with me. Also, I am terrified of Michelle Visage.”
Thumper from Bambi (1942)
Claim to Fame:
Maintaining a strict moral compass. Talking to deer.
Favorite Easter Candy:
“I enjoy Cadbury creme eggs. The foil is difficult to remove with my paws, so I usually have to ask one of the other forest animals for help. Then they always want half of the egg. I try to tell them it’s impossible to split a Cadbury creme egg in half because of the oozy filling, but they never seem to understand that.”
An undercover report in the New York Times revealed that Paas uses child bunnies, some as young as three weeks, in its Cambodian egg dye factories. What can be done to regulate the industry?
“No comment.”
E.B. from Hop (2011)
Claim to Fame:
Wanting to play drums instead of deliver candy. Starring in his own version of Doodle Jump.
Favorite Easter Candy:
“Jelly beans are pretty awesome. I have a box of those extra wide straws they make for drinking bubble tea. They work great for hands free jelly bean eating when I’m jamming out.”
Any tips for cleaning up plastic grass when it gets all over the floor?
“Cordless vacuum. It’s the only way to go. You can try picking up all the green plastic strands by hand, but the second you think you’ve got them all, five more come peeking out from under the sofa.”
Rabbit from Winnie-the-Pooh
Claim to Fame:
The best vegetable garden in the Hundred Acre Wood. Being a control freak.
Favorite Easter Candy:
“I prefer vegetables to candy. I don’t care if that makes me an unhip old person. Kale is a favorite. So is fennel. And I’ve got some lovely romanesco growing. That’s right, romanesco. Look it up.”
Is Eeyore up to date on his tetanus shot? I’m worried about the nail holding his tail in place.
“Don’t even get me started. How is something nailed into your body and you don’t feel it? I asked him about it once and he said ‘I’m all alone in life and no one cares about me. If I had a friend, maybe they would help remove it. But then I wouldn’t have a tail, and that would make me sad.’ I’m telling you, it’s just a constant chain of misery with that guy.”
Roger Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)
Claim to Fame:
Bridging the animation and live action divide. Wearing stylish overalls.
Favorite Easter Candy:
“Chocolate bunnies. I know it’s wrong. It’s a step away from eating your own kind. But I just can’t help myself. They’re so delicious. I like to start off with eating the ears and work my way down from there.”
Just give me a rough estimate: How many children do you think you have?
“Gosh, man. I have no idea. I hit the peak of my popularity in the 80s. I went to so many Hollywood bunny parties where the cocaine flowed like water. The number could be in the hundreds. Maybe even the thousands.”
Br’er Rabbit from Song of the South (1946)
Claim to Fame:
Classic trickster. Getting Disneyland visitors wet on Splash Mountain.
Favorite Easter Candy:
“Churros. They’re everywhere at Disneyland. My friends think I have a problem, but I say it’s only a problem if I have more than ten per day.”
Why are the souvenir photos at Splash Mountain so expensive? I waited in line for three hours to ride the damn thing. Now I’m soaked and my cell phone won’t turn back on. I’m not paying $20 for a piece of paper to remember this experience. Who do you think you are?
“I’m sorry to hear you had a negative experience. If you’d like, I’d be happy to buy us churros and we can hang out in the sun together while you dry out.”