In news certain to dishearten legions of Jane Austen fans around the world, Columbia Pictures announced today that Transformers director Michael Bay would be helming a new take on the classic period drama. News of the announcement shocked the industry, and not just because the director is better known for bombastic action films than he is for delicate costumed romance.
“In the end, Michael just showed us he wanted this picture more than any other director in Hollywood, but I’d be lying if I said we didn’t give a long look at the treatment Brett Ratner was pitching,” said Columbia spokesperson Colin Auskopi. “And while we wanted something new, something that wasn’t just another version of Ang Lee’s film (the highly-regarded 1995 picture written by and starring Emma Thompson and co-starring Kate Winslet), Michael was the only one who said ‘What if we do this in space?’ Obviously we were floored. I mean, have you seen Gravity?”
The tentatively titled Space and Sensibility is a departure for Bay in many regards, and he spoke to the assembled media about how he would approach the film.
“Most of you are probably thinking, ‘Hey, what does Bay know about romance? What makes him qualified to interpret Jane Austen? Should a ‘comedy of manners’ have a Transformer in it?’ and that’s all fair,” said Bay. “But what you’re forgetting is that nobody this side of Judd Apatow knows more about filming bro-mance than I do. And what’s the difference? Take the scene in Bad Boys II where Will Smith says to Martin Lawrence, ‘We ride together, we die together. Bad boys for life.’ The only difference between that film and this one is that in this film they’d start making out after they said that.”
Of course journalists were eager to find out who Bay plans to cast as the suddenly destitute Dashwood sisters.
“C’mon, Megan Fox,” said Bay with an eye roll. “Elinor Dashwood was easy. Boom! Done! There was never a second thought in my mind that she was the only person who could play that role. And when you see the outfits they’re wearing on this futuristic Mars colony I think you’ll understand why. Imagine something right in between the beautiful dresses of Jane Austen’s England and what a modern day dominatrix might wear. Now lose some fabric.”
At this point Bay was joined on the stage by Fox, who stared glassily at the back of the room with her lips pursed in a perfect pout, saying nothing. The next question was raised: Who would take the pivotal role of Marianne Dashwood in the Joe Ezterhas-penned film?
“This was a harder call,” admitted Bay, “and we looked at a lot of Mariannes, but I think you’re going to be amazed at how great an actress Katy Perry is. And her English accent is really really interesting.”
When asked who would be cast as the male leads — Hugh Grant and Alan Rickman in the 1995 film — Bay was noncommittal.
“We’re going to look at all options,” said Bay. “You have to pay attention to who the draws are, who do people want to see? Vin Diesel, The Rock, Mark Wahlberg, people like those guys a lot. They like muscles. I like muscles too. As far as my own comforts zone goes, I’d be happy to move forward with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence again. You don’t mess with perfection!”
Indeed. I know I’ll be lining up for this one. Here’s the trailer for the Ang Lee version:
And Happy April Fools Day!