In this unusual and very moving documentary, filmmaker Alden Peters documents his own coming out experience, capturing everything on camera as he plans and boldly captures his disclosures to his family and friends. Inspired by social media coming out videos by teens around the world, Coming Out places viewers directly inside the raw, intimate moments when Alden reveals his true identity to his family and friends, and the results range from the painfully awkward to the hilariously honest. Crowdsourced videos from LGBTQ youth around the world complement the depth of Alden’s own story, and he also interviews leading figures, including Janet Mock, about the unique challenges of coming out in today’s digital era. In anticipation of National Coming Out Day on October 11, I talked to Alden Peters about his decision to film these very personal moments in his coming out process.
Danny Miller: Watching this film is such a visceral experience — we can so feel your nervousness and the sweet awkwardness of some of these conversations. Did your family members ever question your decision to record them during these intimate moments?
Alden Peters: They didn’t, because in my family I grew up recording literally everything that we did. I always had a camcorder in my hand and my entire life can be found in an enormous box of VHS tapes! So this was always a normal part of our family get-togethers. But, for this film, I did want to make sure that their reaction was more about what I was saying and not about the camera so I made sure I was filming with them for several days before I shared this news just so they were used to the presence of the camera and didn’t pay that much attention to it.
But I’m guessing that having the camera there forced you into telling them at that moment instead of delaying that revelation even more.
Oh, absolutely, that’s partly why I did it this way — it was like all these now-or-never moments. I can guarantee you that if the camera hadn’t been there I would have found some reason to delay telling them and then come out via text or something that was easier than an in-person conversation. This forced me to do it all face-to-face.
It was very courageous of you. How nervous were you in those moments?
Let me put it this way — I’m very thankful that it’s all on camera because if I didn’t have that footage, I don’t think I’d be able to tell you what really happened. My actual memories of those moments are very hazy because I was extremely nervous — it was definitely intense!
For that reason alone how great that you have it all recorded. I think at such times there’s a risk that we’ll “remember” things that didn’t even happen so it’s very cool that you can actually see and hear what these conversations were like.
Yes, for sure. That was actually was part of my motivation to do the film in the first place. I’d been watching a lot of coming out videos where people would tell in a few minutes a story that spanned several years. They’d talk about how their relationships with their parents totally changed but then add that now things were fine. I remember getting very frustrated as I wondered, “But how did things change, and then how did it turn out okay in the end?” I wondered how it all unfolded in real time and when I tried to find a documentary that showed that process, I couldn’t find one. So I decided to create the film that I wished existed.
I think it will be such a helpful tool for people who have not yet come out as well as for family members of LGBTQ people. Obviously you are so fortunate to have a very supportive family — did you consider including the stories of young people who had a much different reaction from their loved ones?
Yes, I did. Before I came out, I really didn’t know what was going to happen so first I just wanted to get my own experience on camera. But when we were starting to edit the film, we talked a lot about including coming out stories that were less positive and we do have clips of other people talking about their process. But what happened was that whenever we delved too much into somebody else’s story, it lacked the intimacy and rawness of my own narrative. We came to realize that the power of this film was that emotional intimacy of each step along this personal process. So that’s why the spine of the film is my own coming out process.
One of the moments in the film that I really loved was when your mom asked you a pretty intense and specific question about your sex life and you shut her down immediately. I think some people coming out feel like they have to answer every question their family members ask so the boundary that you firmly but lovingly set with your mother is very important to see.
Thank you for saying that — I was really worried about that moment in the film. I was scared when we first included it in a test screening — was it too personal? Did it cross a line? But, of course, the audience loved it and laughed hysterically at that scene. People can really relate to it. I had to call my mother and say, “Mom, remember that thing you asked me? Well, we left it in the film and the audience loved it so we’re going to keep it in!”
And she was okay with it?
Yes, she loved that she provided some comic relief there. The thing is, it was important to include to set a boundary both with my family and with the film itself — we were not going to delve into my sex life in this film, that’s just not what it’s about. I do think it’s pretty common for family members to ask questions like that and we can use those moments to either say, “No, that’s personal and I’m not going to discuss that with you,” or some people may choose to use that as an educational moment and decide to answer those questions that people naturally have about our experience. It’s up to each individual. But, to be honest with you, at that moment when my mom asked me that, I just had no idea how to answer that question and my instinct was to just shut it down!
I think few young people, gay or straight, really want to talk about their sex lives with their parents! What was it like showing the film to them for the first time?
My parents saw it for the first time when it premiered at a documentary film festival in Utah, of all places. I was so nervous that they’d be uncomfortable watching it with a room full of people, but they loved it and were very moved by being with this audience that was going through the emotional journey of the film as a group.
You and I live in these bubbles of New York and Los Angeles — is it different when you screen the film in communities that may be less friendly to LGBTQ people?
Yes. But you know, I could not have predicted such a great reaction at this festival in southern Utah. People were coming up to me and telling me these incredible stories about how they had disowned their son when he came out years earlier and it took them years to come around. Or another family who had supported their daughter when she came out but then they were all excommunicated. Or a mother who told me about this group she was in called the Rainbow Mothers and how one of their children had recently committed suicide. Someone made the point that positive coming out stories are really needed in places like southern Utah where the norm is for families to NOT be supportive and to disown your child. There HAS been a lot of progress made in this country, but it’s fairly lopsided — there are parts of the country where things are just as bad as they’ve ever been and where coming out can still be a life-or-death situation where you can lose all support from your family and your community. We can be pretty blasé about coming out these days but it’s still a big deal in many places.
Another moment in the film that I found so interesting was when some of your old friends are supportive but say that they hope you don’t change now or start talking or looking differently. It’s an awkward moment but one that I’m sure happens all the time.
Yes. Looking at that scene with my straight friends in hindsight, I can see that what they were saying may have seemed a little insensitive, but remember, I was asking the very same questions! Now I can look back and say that I don’t feel that I have changed very much as a person since then, but the huge difference is that I no longer care or worry or even think about if anything I’m doing or saying “seems gay.” And that’s such a big relief — to just be comfortable being me.
And that may be the most important lesson of all to people watching this movie.
This is such a personal story, and for a long time I wasn’t necessarily convinced that anyone else would be interested, so the responses I’ve had to the film so far have been wonderful. It’s awesome and a bit overwhelming to think about the power a film can have. That this movie could conceivably help anyone with their own coming out process is just so gratifying and humbling.