Author’s note: This column is meant as satire, and should not be taken seriously … and it most certainly does not reflect the view of Cinephiled and its owners. Duh!

Marvel Entertainment has really scraped the bottom of the barrel with its latest big-screen adventure, Guardians of the Galaxy.

The science-fiction/adventure-comedy is apparently based on Marvel Comics characters and is supposed to be in theaters in August. But the whole thing (a shockingly short, 2 ½-minute “feature”) has leaked online, evidently, and you can watch it here in its entirety:

Some first reactions: If that’s the way they want to follow their smash hits Marvel’s The Avengers, Marvel’s Iron Man 3 and Marvel’s Thor: The Dark World, they may be in for a big, unpleasant surprise. This feels very lame and very incomplete in terms of story and characterizations — especially when you compare it to those earlier, hours-longer films.

Also: It appears they didn’t learn from the mistakes of the much-longer but equally cheesy super hero dud Green Lantern. Super heroes and space just don’t mix. Chocolate and peanut butter, they are not.

But in case you think I’m being a bit unfair or quick to judge, we’ll just break Guardians down, scene by scene, shall we?


This first photo/”screen freeze” shows the “team” lineup for these so-called “Guardians,” and they include the She-Hulk, a raccoon, a guy in a “duster” jacket (because those apparently didn’t go out of fashion with the Matrix movies), a tree and a yet another actor playing The Hulk. Only they were too cheap to go the CGI route and just painted up some overly muscled wrestler guy. What, was Lou Ferrigno unavailable, or too “professional?”

(So sorry, Mark Ruffalo. Your services are no longer required, it seems. Much like Eric Bana and Edward Norton before you, except at least their replacements were actors, and not an athlete-turned-actor, or whomever this guy is.)

Still, that’s far from the film’s biggest problem: A raccoon? Seriously? And a walking tree? They must have walked straight off the scene of the latest Open Season direct-to-video feature. Which, by the way, had the sense to stay off the big screen.


Next up we have “the duster guy” piloting a ship. Anyone else notice how much his outfit looks like Mal “Captain Tightpants” Reynolds, from Serenity? Talk about unoriginal!


Then we have giant flying birds. Or are they spaceships? It’s kind of hard to tell. And besides, movies about birds are strictly lame. Legends of the Guardians, anyone? (That movie also had the word Guardians in its title. Is a pattern starting to emerge?)


And in the last photo we have the raccoon again. Seriously? Considering that Marvel is now owned by Disney, it’s a surprise they didn’t put Mickey Mouse in there as well.

In conclusion: Guardians is the first real dud from the Disney/Marvel movie merger. There’s virtually no plot of which to speak. It’s all wisecracks, with no explanation of exactly what these guys are supposed to be doing. With big explosions and noises replacing characterization and plot development. In other words, it’s exactly the type of movies we real “film lovers” have been complaining about Hollywood producing for years now.

Jeff Michael Vice can also be heard reviewing films, television programs, comics, books, music and other things as part of The Geek Show Podcast (, and can be seen reviewing films as part of Xfinity’s Big Movie Mouth-Off (